[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
You Might Also Like
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I just ran a .003048K
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.