so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
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I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My circle of trust is a meatball
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2