I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
You Might Also Like
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.