*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that