I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.