*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Not all heroes wear capes.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
*orders delivery*
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.