Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
A classic…
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby