Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer