Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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Stonehinge
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no