This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
is this store having a stroke wtf