[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage