Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Meow?
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.