If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous