oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
(more comics:
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.