[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?