Barbie gone wild
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Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
😂😂😂
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.