I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
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[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
S O O N
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.