Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial