“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?