Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.