Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”