TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
This did not end as expected.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.