I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
You Might Also Like
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”