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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Meowchelangelo
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk