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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart