“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Van Gone
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Saturday
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Is….Is this an option?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.