I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
You Might Also Like
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene