I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes