Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.