Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
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But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.