SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT