None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
You Might Also Like
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
me when I see my crush