I’m having an out of money experience.
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Cats are still liquid.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU