*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
You Might Also Like
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
The news in a nutshell.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The French cow says MEUX…
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.