So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
You Might Also Like
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]