All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
every single time
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent