[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid