Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I put the hot in psychotic.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
BETRAYAL
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted