Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Imma just leave this here…………
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Hey i am sexy to you now
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.