THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Uh oh…
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals