Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”