It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.