If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
You Might Also Like
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one