“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*