When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
two people or more is called a problem
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees