I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
some things should go without saying
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.