[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!