The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.