Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Message from the dog groomers
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.