Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing